9 Reasons Why, For the Love of All That Is Good and Decent, You Shouldn't Let a Libertarian Be Your Baby Mama

Thought Catalog is a dumping ground for any brainless dribblings that happen to hit the right spots on the keyboard. One such was the fecal gem titled 9 Reasons You Absolutely Do Not Want a Feminist to Be the Father of Your Children, and since I made fun of Salon-style stupidity in critiquing libertarianism a while back, let's make fun of stupid-critiques of feminism here... by stupid-critiquing libertarianism! Tee hee and tra la!

So you’ve decided to ignore my advice about dating libertarian women and you are okay with shitty sex and kinda really like the whole no accountability and no consequences deal, and you are wondering if perhaps your libertarian girlfriend might make a pretty terrific libertarian wife and mother for whatever children you conceive. No need to make sure the children are biologically hers, because a true libertarian understands that infidelity and paternity fraud are just a bit of pro-free-market activism in the face of centuries of statist oppression and public roads. She will focus all her energies and efforts on the little ones, and that really should give you pause. Here are 9 reasons you do not want a libertarian to be the mother of your children.

1. If your child isn't the perfect specimen of homo economicus right out the gate, she'll probably try to sell it on the baby markets.

2. If she can't get a good price for it, she'll probably use a cow as its wet-nurse. Pasteur was probably a fucking statist anyway.
Raw milk!

3. She'll side against your kid's teacher, and public schools in general, and just let them run around outside naked until they magically become captains of industry.

Source: Some numbskull on Pintrest

4. She'll think that a semi-automatic rifle with red-dot sight and extended magazine is the perfect present for your child's second birthday.

5. If your child experiments with heroin, she'll only encourage them.

6. When you suggest paying your child an allowance for doing household chores, she'll insist on paying them in digital Monopoly-money.

"I can buy so much anime with my RonPaulCoins...!"
Source: Know Your Meme

7. She'll want to raise your child on a floating platform at sea with no laws or regulations. And no playgrounds.

Under da sea~~~
Source: Bioshock

8. If your kid grows up to pitch idiotic and dehumanizing servant-labor services to Silicon Valley angel investors, she'll only praise them.

Source: MemeGenerator. Can we just carpet bomb Silicon Valley already?

9. If she has her way, your child's sex education will consist entirely of the trainyard rape fantasy scene from Atlas Shrugged.
Ayn Rand!
STILL a better love story than _Twilight_
Source: One of the Atlas Shrugged movies of 20XX
Your libertarian wife will be confident in her approach to raising your children (remember there is no requirement that the children be biologically hers and even if they aren't, they are still her property and she may enforce her ownership with the assistance of for-profit family courts and polycentric laws), but your children will be heartless, greedy and egotistical Uberkinder who have no idea how to navigate a world in which the majority of people are shiftless moochers want to ban the word “libertarian” because libertarians kinda suck. Those are the same people who think you and your libertarian wife are batshit insane.

And they’re right.